If you knew me this time last year, you know that I used to go to the gym 3 times a week for around 2 and a half hours a session. Preoccupied with the urge to better my body, and look amazing like an Instagram model, I pushed myself so far in the gym, without even striving to improve my health/fitness. Ironically, the thing that was meant to be very healthy made me incredibly unhealthy.
Let me not beat around the bush here, i wanted a big bum and a tiny waist (yes tinier than my already tiny boobs). THE Kim K body shape. And slowly but surely I started seeing results, and it was great and up lifting for me, after years of being self conscious and being told I was fat (which looking back I totally didn’t) and that I didn’t have a bum, I felt like finally I would be liked.
I placed my whole self worth in the way I looked. I placed the way I thought people would like me, on the way I looked. This was what made it unhealthy.
There would be days when I missed a gym session, or I naturally was just too tired to do ‘my best’ (a.k.a. over do it) and I would again beat myself up about it. I would literally miss a day and manage to convince myself that my ‘gains’ had disappeared and that all my hard work had gone to waste.
There would be days that I woke up and my body looked AMAZING! But then I would go and eat breakfast or lunch, or even drink some water or tea, and my stomach would bloat- I would beat myself up like crazy (THE UNHEALTHY BELLS ARE RINGING).
I would then go the following days, following a strict-(ish) diet, If breakfast made me bloat, I didn’t eat said breakfast. If the water I drank after waking up made me bloat I had tea instead. I don’t think I can emphasise how unhealthy it got.There’s a saying that once you start going to the gym, you get addicted. I think personally, as someone who has a rather addictive personality, that so called ‘addiction’ became worse that what it should have ever been allowed to.
I go to the gym every now and again, when I can be bothered or when I am overly stressed, but obviously sporadic gym trips aren’t useful and I can recognise that. But I do other things, I make the effort to walk to places over getting the bus, I eat unhealthy but I do also try and balance that out with healthy food – where my allergies will allow. While I strive to be healthy, I don’t need to change my body shape, because gym or not, my body is pretty flipping good. If i catch it slipping then maybe I can catch it and prevent that- because I think that no matter what my body looks like – I won’t ever be 100% happy, and I won’t ever be able to 100% maintain a perfect shape/form, in a healthy way- and I can happily recognise that!