Self Diagnosis

I’ve always been quite the crazy hypochondriac, whether you have realised it or not. I’m quite good at keeping my worries to myself, but from experience, I know that the second something doesn’t feel quite right in my body, I am certain that I have an issue that i should probably worry about. I find myself worrying about this by myself and not telling anyone and just letting that anxiety bug me. Although i know it is pretty irrational, so i just make myself wait it out and show myself that actually… hey Maya you are fine.

I think i’m just going to use this post to pick at my brain and work myself out, so if me talking about myself isn’t of much interest to you then by all means press the return button.

However, the other day I was reading an article on snapchat about high functioning anxiety and i seemed to tick every single box. I have always been a very anxious person, but I’ve felt that my anxiety ‘isn’t as bad as others’ and was some what different, because where some people really struggle to go about everyday when anxiety strikes – I’m either always reasonably anxious so i have no choice but to go about my day, or i just shove myself through the runt of it.
But anyway, this article brought up a couple of things that are typical of high functioning anxiety, and these included:

  1. You are a perfectionist

LOL. THIS IS ME TO A T. My bedroom may not be spotless but when it comes to things like course work, revision, carrying out things for other people I am amazing at over stressing myself. Setting unrealistic expectations for myself, mainly in quality and the time span i get it done in. Causing myself UNNECESSARY stress, where i know i probably won’t reach that goal and no matter how hard i try, it doesn’t happen. Knowing all of this causes an immense amount of anxiety that has the power to effect me for the rest of the day, maybe even a week or so.

2.  You like to be in control

To me, being in control is quite high in importance. When a situation is out of my conscious control i really struggle to work through it and deal with it. It’s not that i want to control others- not at all. It’s just general situations that i may find myself in.

3. You’re constantly busy

Now, I’m not constantly busy, however i wish i were. I know that when i stop and have nothing to do, i am given too much time to think and when left with my thoughts i start feeling a bit more down and i know this is not good. I try my hardest to keep busy to avoid that – being left with my feelings.

4. You don’t sleep well

There hasn’t been one night, in my memory, where i have slept all night through. Sometimes, i wake up at random times in the night, others its due to the manifestation of my anxiety in the form of dreams that wake me up.

5. People have a hard time reading you

I get this a lot. Infact since starting my blog I have had a load of people tell me that they have learnt more about me and who i am through how and what i write, rather than all the time they have spent with me – including family members. I know i am hard to read, I am a somewhat closed book with a lock on it. I struggle to talk about my feelings and stuff but i can assure you i am overly emotional – i am just better at keeping that to myself.

6. you have a crippling fear of letting other people down

If you know me, you know that I preach a lot about how sometimes you have to be selfish, but I myself struggle to practice what I preach. I HATE the idea of letting people down, and/or upsetting them. I am constantly filled with a fear that maybe something i have done has upset a person, and until they say otherwise – even if i have don’t nothing, I am great at letting that thought beat me up.

7.  ‘I’m sorry’

I swear this is like my most used phrase, ask anyone and they’ll be able to support that. Better yet, apologising for apologising too much is becoming a habit. I think i have a fear of driving people out of my life, and because of that, I’m great at apologising If‘  I feel i have done something, without much evidence..

8. Overthinking everything i have ever done or said

all the way back to primary school, anything i have done that could have hurt someone, or embarrassed myself. I almost find myself bullying myself…. for what reason?!?!

If you have read that far, and maybe you’re seeing similarities, i thought I’d come up with a few ways to cope with such anxiety!

  • Mental health is wealth! Get some exercise, or do some mindfulness or some yoga for those times you find yourself over stressing and bring your self back into the here and now.  Reconnect with your body!
  • Look out for the signs of incoming anxiety – find your optimal coping strategies and intervene before it has the chance to take over completely.
  • TELL SOMEONE! No one is going to judge you, any right-minded person will tell you that they are there for you. 9 times out of 10, someone else who you tell will have been feeling or have felt the same in the past and may be able to offer you help. Those who are close to you will always support you – if you don’t feel so, feel free to drop me a dm or an email.
  • i think the thing i have don’t best for myself is definitely talk if i am having an issue.

Now if you did get to the end of this thank you for reading! I’m not looking for sympathy at all, I am simply using the writing to unpack my thoughts and maybe my actions. I am at peace with who I am and whatever comes in that package- be it anxiety, depression or anything else of the sort! All these things we experience shape us and mould us, and i wouldn’t change who i am now for anyone!

Anyway! Stay positive!

Talk later!

-Maya x


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