This is a different kind of post for me to do.
But I feel as though this blog is a space for me to express myself and my experiences.
Let me make myself clear my aim is not to seek attention, but to raise awareness in hopes that it will get through to someone who needs to know they are truly not alone.
The best way for this to be done is by revealing myself to my audience as though you’re close friends- which you probably all are anyway!
My name is Maya and I have had a long, turbulent history with self-harm. A really shitty on off relationship with self harm, one where I’m sick, tired and done with of all its crap but it always manages to find a way to sneak back in to my life and attempt to ruin it. A vice I have been attempting to contain since the age of 13. There was a patch in life where I was harming myself everyday for various reasons I’d rather not go into at this moment, and I felt so alone in my pain. Nobody knew I was doing it, hiding it almost became an art form.
With family members who also have such a history, I knew the minute they saw something like it, they would know and react by trying to get me some help.
I wanted help, but I also didn’t want help. I didn’t feel I needed to ask for it. I felt I was in control of it. If that makes any sense.
One day, my mum noticed it through my tights, and although I would not have said it then, today, I’m so glad she noticed and encouraged me to seek the right help because it’s officially been a year since the last time I harmed myself, and although certain thoughts creep back in every now and again, I have managed to hold my own and not do it.
It’s a long process, the recovery process, and it has taught me so much about the nature of mental health, and myself.
Iwouldliketoshareacoupleofthethings I’ve learnt.
⁃ Self harm is a temporary fix for an ongoing problem and although it may seem like a release at the time.. it’s only a temporary release.
⁃ It’s a dangerous way to express your emotions. It can be seriously harmful to your health.
⁃ The people you surround yourself with are so important. Supportive friends and family, who may not even understand it but are there for you are so important in your time of need.
⁃ There are other ways to be able to feel in control, that don’t include harming yourself.
⁃ When you harm yourself, it has an effect on the people around you. I know that my mum would worry whenever I went out, she would worry when I went up to my room, she would worry that I was going to do something to myself. And I would have hated to see this when I was doing it a lot, because it was how i was trying to cope with my problems and it effecting other people would upset me even more and make me angry because i did it because i didn’t want to bother others with the issues. But at the end of the day, it is a hard truth. It negatively effects the people around you who know.
⁃ Talking is hard. It’s so hard to talk about. Your feelings and why it happens. But talking is good, in fact talking is better because it allows you to unpick the situation and work through it. Where as self harm as I said above is only a temporary present fix, rather than an ongoing one.
⁃ Recovery is difficult, but in the long run it’s so rewarding. Relapses do happen, and that’s okay we shouldn’t beat ourselves up when we relapse- we must just remember to persevere and attempt to recover again.
⁃ Even when you’re completely okay, the thoughts and urges can slip into your mind every now and again. It’s in these moments when you need to go and sit with someone, put on some music, go for a walk- distract yourself, tell that thought to go away and remember that you’re never alone, and are worth so so much more.
❤️But keep shining and going on strong my lovelies❤️
Samaritans – 116 123 (free 24 hour helpline)
MIND – 0845 766 0163 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
CASS self injury help line – 0808 800 8088 (Tuesday to Thursday evenings 7-9:30pm)
NHS Direct – 0845 4647
The Mix website (TheMix.org.uk) essential support for under 25s